Vici, takšni in drugačni 2.del
- Ustvarjalec teme 01481
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Slovenca na AC proti Splitu ustavi policija.
"Vozili ste 170 umjesto 130. Biæe to 7000 kuna, 5 dana zatvora i tri poena!"
"Joj, gospod policist, pa ne no...
a se da kaj zmenit?"
"Kako to mislite?"
"Pa dobro, plačal bom kazen, šel v zapor ampak... tri pike pa dajte Hajduku."
"Vozili ste 170 umjesto 130. Biæe to 7000 kuna, 5 dana zatvora i tri poena!"
"Joj, gospod policist, pa ne no...
"Kako to mislite?"
"Pa dobro, plačal bom kazen, šel v zapor ampak... tri pike pa dajte Hajduku."
"Vsem državljanom Slovenije priporočam, da nemudoma pričnejo skladiščiti drva, kajti po porazu Rusov obstaja velika verjetnost, da nam odklopijo plin!" vaš ČISTILEC KOPAČK
DARILO
Mož je imel rojstni dan in ga žena vpraša kaj bi rad kot darilo...
Mož: Puško...
Žena: NE - PUŠKE PA NE!
Mož: Ampak jaz bi puško...
Žena: Sem ti rekla, da NE puške...
Mož: Ampak jaz bi puško...
Žena: Poslušaj ... Izberi si nekaj drugega!!!!
Mož: Ampak jaz si želim puško...
Žena: Sem ti rekla, da puške NE! Pa Mejduš - kdo tu komandira, aaa????
Mož: Ti... Ampak, če bi jaz imel puško....
DARILO
Mož je imel rojstni dan in ga žena vpraša kaj bi rad kot darilo...
Mož: Puško...
Žena: NE - PUŠKE PA NE!
Mož: Ampak jaz bi puško...
Žena: Sem ti rekla, da NE puške...
Mož: Ampak jaz bi puško...
Žena: Poslušaj ... Izberi si nekaj drugega!!!!
Mož: Ampak jaz si želim puško...
Žena: Sem ti rekla, da puške NE! Pa Mejduš - kdo tu komandira, aaa????
Mož: Ti... Ampak, če bi jaz imel puško....
Ker je Črnogorec zanemarjal zakonske obveznosti, se je žena odločila, da bo prevzela iniciativo v svoje roke.
Oblekla si je seksi črno čipkasto perilo, in upala, da bo s tem pri možu vžgala iskrico.
Junak je vstopil v sobo in ko jo je zagledal, jo je ves zaprepaden vprašal:
"Ajd bolan jadna, ne okolišaj, nego kaži, jel to đedo umro?"
Oblekla si je seksi črno čipkasto perilo, in upala, da bo s tem pri možu vžgala iskrico.
Junak je vstopil v sobo in ko jo je zagledal, jo je ves zaprepaden vprašal:
"Ajd bolan jadna, ne okolišaj, nego kaži, jel to đedo umro?"
(Clinton joke)
Ashley walked into the White House for the first day of her internship and was greeted by the President. After a tour, he asked, "Would you like to see the Presidential Clock?"
Ashley got suspicious and said, "I've heard certain things about you, Mr. President, and I don't think that would be a smart idea."
"Nonsense," said the President. "It's just a clock." Ashley reluctantly agreed. The President led her to an empty Oval Office, closed the door, dropped his pants and pulled it out.
In a surprised tone, Ashley said, "That's not the Presidential Clock; it's the Presidential Cock."
The President responded, "Ashley, honey, put a face and two hands on it, and it's a clock."
Ashley walked into the White House for the first day of her internship and was greeted by the President. After a tour, he asked, "Would you like to see the Presidential Clock?"
Ashley got suspicious and said, "I've heard certain things about you, Mr. President, and I don't think that would be a smart idea."
"Nonsense," said the President. "It's just a clock." Ashley reluctantly agreed. The President led her to an empty Oval Office, closed the door, dropped his pants and pulled it out.
In a surprised tone, Ashley said, "That's not the Presidential Clock; it's the Presidential Cock."
The President responded, "Ashley, honey, put a face and two hands on it, and it's a clock."
Pitaju malog Ivicu:
Ivica jel voliš tatu?
Ne volim.
Zašto ne voliš?
Jer je stalnu na službenom putu i nikad ga nema doma.
A dali voliš mamu?
Ne volim.
Zašto ne voliš?
Jer je uvek sa susjedama na kavi i nikad doma.
Pa koga voliš Ivice??
Hrvatsku nogometnu reprezentanciju!
A zašto?
Oni ne idu nigdje!
Ivica jel voliš tatu?
Ne volim.
Zašto ne voliš?
Jer je stalnu na službenom putu i nikad ga nema doma.
A dali voliš mamu?
Ne volim.
Zašto ne voliš?
Jer je uvek sa susjedama na kavi i nikad doma.
Pa koga voliš Ivice??
Hrvatsku nogometnu reprezentanciju!
A zašto?
Oni ne idu nigdje!
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants s*x, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants s*x, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
Kaže Jadranka Pahoru:"Pahore, kad mi uđemo u Evropu........", a Pahor je prekine, pa kaže:" Vi nečete uči ni u Afriku, a kamoli u Evropu!"
oj stari, kva pa delaš! "
" stol za ženo. "
" ajaaa ! pa gre? "
" ooo ja gre gre, sam elektrika me še mal zajebava
" stol za ženo. "
" ajaaa ! pa gre? "
" ooo ja gre gre, sam elektrika me še mal zajebava
Slavni in pomembni donatorki so razkazovali bolnišnico. Med obhodom je prišla mimo
sobe v kateri je moški bolnik divje masturbiral.
"O, moj Bog!" je zavpila ženska. "To je ogabno!"
Zdravnik, ki je vodil obhod ji je takoj pojasnil. "Zelo mi je žal, da ste to morali to
videti, ampak ta moški je resno bolan. Njegovi testisi se zelo hitro
polnijo s spermo. Če tega ne bi delal vsaj petkrat dnevno, bi trpel izjemne
bolečine in še testisi bi mu lahko počili."
"Oh prav, v tem primeru mislim da je v redu," je rekla gospa.
Ko so šli mimo naslednje sobe so videli bolnika ležati na postelji,
medicinska sestra pa ga je oralno zadovoljevala.
"O moj Bog, kako pa lahko opravičite tole?"
Zdravnik je mirno odgovoril: "Enaka bolezen, pa dodatno zavarovanje!"
sobe v kateri je moški bolnik divje masturbiral.
"O, moj Bog!" je zavpila ženska. "To je ogabno!"
Zdravnik, ki je vodil obhod ji je takoj pojasnil. "Zelo mi je žal, da ste to morali to
videti, ampak ta moški je resno bolan. Njegovi testisi se zelo hitro
polnijo s spermo. Če tega ne bi delal vsaj petkrat dnevno, bi trpel izjemne
bolečine in še testisi bi mu lahko počili."
"Oh prav, v tem primeru mislim da je v redu," je rekla gospa.
Ko so šli mimo naslednje sobe so videli bolnika ležati na postelji,
medicinska sestra pa ga je oralno zadovoljevala.
"O moj Bog, kako pa lahko opravičite tole?"
Zdravnik je mirno odgovoril: "Enaka bolezen, pa dodatno zavarovanje!"
Muško-ženska verzija Na poslu razgovaraju uz kavu dvije kolegice: -Kakav sex si imala jučer? Katastrofa... Muž je došao sa posla, u 3 minute je pojeo ručak, poslije toga 4 minute sexa a poslije dvije minute je zaspao… A kod tebe? -Kod mene fantazija. Muž došao kuæi, poveo me na preukusnu romantičnu večeru, poslije smo se šetajuæi sat vrijemena vračali kuæi, poslije svijeæe i sat vremena extra predigre, poslije sat fantastičnog sexa a na kraju zamisli da smo sat vremena razgovarali. Jednom riječju bajka! U to isto vrijeme razgovaraju dvojica kolega: -Kakav sex si imao jučer? Super! Dolazim kuæi, ručak na stolu; pojeo sam, poseksao se i zaspao. A kod tebe? -Kod mene katastrofa… Dolazim kuæi a tu nema struje jer sam zaboravio platiti račun za struju zato sam moju izveo negdje na večeru. Klopa bez veze a bilo je tako skupo da nisam imao novaca da se vratimo sa taksijem pa sam morao iæi kuæi pješke! Dolazimo kuæi a tu naravno nema struje pa sam opet morao upaliti te proklete svijeæe! Bio sam tako bijesan da sam trebao sat vrijemena dok mi se nije digao, a poslije nisam mogao sat vremena svršiti , na to sve skupa sam tako popizdio, da jo¶ sat vremena nisam mogao zaspati!!
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